Dry
Like many Americans, I own a dryer. This is a machine that you put your freshly-washed and—notably—wet clothes in, and it makes them dry.
At its core, this machine really should only need a single button to work effectively:
- Press button.
- Clothes get dry.
Seems like it should be pretty simple. Apparently, it is not. My machine does not have a button. It has a dial. I now have options when it comes to drying my clothes. In fact, the machine helpfully labels the following two settings for me:
- Less dry
- More dry
...Let's evaluate this. Because now we are implying that there are different levels of dryness that our clothes can be. That we can set our dryness preference, as it were. Both of these preferences are, of course, absolutely goddamn ludicrous. Allow me to explain.
Yes, as humans, we are intrinsically aware that things can possess different levels of dryness. Say I dump a bucket of water over Shirt A, and then pour a cup of water onto Shirt B. Clearly, Shirt B absorbed less water, and is thus drier than Shirt A. Nobody would argue this point; this is simply a statement of fact. But while we can all agree that one shirt is drier than the other, we can also agree that both shirts are wet. There is no nuance here. These shirts were previously dry, and now they are not. Even the drier of the shirts, Shirt B, is still uncomfortable to wear because it isn't actually dry.
So if we introduce a dial to our dryer that sets the desired level of dryness, the "Less Dry" option should, in reality, read "Not Dry". Which is of course preposterous, because if you use it, then you're essentially telling your machine to not do literally the one thing you are using the machine to do. "Okay dryer, don't dry my clothes." Of course you'd sound insane saying that, it's a goddamn dryer!
But even the "More Dry" option doesn't get off the hook here, either. And I have to point this out because I know what you're thinking. You think you know how "More Dry" works. It makes the clothes more dry. That actually makes sense.
I assume that the shirt you are currently wearing is dry at the moment. If not, think back to a time when your shirt was dry, back before you accidentally spilled something on yourself like a clumsy oaf. Okay. I bet your shirt feels pretty good, yeah? It's dry and comfy, right?
Now, imagine if your shirt was more dry.
YOU CAN'T DO IT. Because the shirt can't be "more dry"! Dryness is simply the absence of wetness; once the wet is gone, then by default, it's reached peak dry! So why do I need an option for "More Dry"? What is the dryer possibly going to do to this article of clothing that will make it drier than just making it not wet does? There's nothing else it can do! Instead of asking the machine not to do its job, we're now asking it to go above and beyond the realm of physics! Which it's not going to do, because if it could, it would sure as hell cost a lot more!
In conclusion, the dryer should not have a dial. The dryer should simply make clothes dry, because clothes exist in a binary. Dry or not dry. "Less Dry" and "More Dry" have no meaning in this context, and I'm tired of appliance manufacturers telling me otherwise.
Also, I'm scared as all hell to find out what the "Very Dry" setting is supposed to do. I don't need my appliance turning my neighborhood into a desert wasteland or anything. Just give me the damn button instead.