Which Lord of the Rings Characters Can Cook?
The other night, after she shared an Instagram post with me which poked some light fun at Eowyn’s poor cooking skills, my wife asked, “So which Lord of the Rings characters can cook well?” One in-depth conversation later, we were quite pleased with the results. Here they are.
(No, I don’t know the lore, don’t @ me)
Bilbo
Bilbo definitely doesn’t cook, not since he returned from the Lonely Mountain a wealthy hobbit. He retains an in-home chef—likely the best in the Shire—who has the know-how needed to prepare the exotic ingredients Bilbo imports.
Frodo
Having grown up in fairly well-off families, Frodo has never needed to cook for himself. However, Frodo has more humility than his uncle, and unlike Bilbo (who’s more of a shut-in), Frodo chooses not to keep a master chef on retainer and instead simply goes out to eat.
Sam
Of course Sam cooks; we all know this. He’s not a culinary expert by any means, but if you’re in need of a good home-cooked meal, Sam’s your guy. You know the ending of Ratatouille, where instead of serving any of the restaurant’s fancy dishes to the menacing food critic they serve a humble ratatouille, which wins him over by evoking the comforts of his childhood home? That ratatouille is Sam’s recipe.
Merry
Merry cooks. Just not as well as Sam.
Pippin
I actually think that the culinary arts could be Pippin’s calling. He has a good sense of taste and an adventurous spirit that would serve him well, and concocting new, delicious recipes could be something that would give him the sense of pride he clearly needs. So long as he wises up and settles down a bit, first.
Aragorn
It would be outrageous to claim that Aragorn can’t cook, at least to some capacity. The lone survivalist archetype? Man’s gotta eat somehow. However, this lifestyle means that his cooking is strictly utilitarian. His food isn’t bad, per se; it tastes fine (more or less) and fills you for most of the day. But he won’t ever add more than maybe a pinch of salt for flavor, and you’ll be eating the leftovers for a week.
Gimli
Gimli is all about barbecue, or maybe smoking meats. He excels at this, but caters exclusively to a dwarven palate. They prefer it a fair deal more well-done than the other races, who find Gimli’s cooking largely inedible.
Legolas
Legolas has studied the finer points of elven cuisine many many years ago, and could recall any of it at the drop of a hat. He’s just into other hobbies at the moment.
Boromir
Boromir never needed to cook, and for the most part doesn’t know how. But you know he’s the kind of guy who has that one dish—something like a balsamic marinaded pork chop, or a hot & spicy taco recipe—that he busts out once in a while for fun, or by popular demand.
Gandalf
You don’t spend a significant amount of time living with both elves and hobbits without coming away with a deep appreciation for food. Gandalf, of course, adores the experience of dining. To that end, he keeps a stash of recipes that he will, one day, definitely get around to making, once he stops being so darn busy (he will never actually get around to making these).
Elrond
Elrond never cooks, with a singular exception: he runs the griddle at the Annual Rivendell Charity Pancake Breakfast, where he wears the stereotypical “kiss the cook” apron and genuinely seems to enjoy his role in the festivities.
(The lore doesn’t mention this, but the animosity between the elves and the dwarves was never a result of warfare. It’s actually because the Rivendell Charity Breakfast and the Dwarven Firehouse Chicken Barbecue take place on the same day every year, and both sides are too stubborn to reschedule.)
Arwen
Arwen’s never thought about cooking a day in her life.
Glorfindel
Yep, he cooks.
…Okay, so in the books this is the elf who shows up after Frodo gets stabbed by the Nazgul; his horse takes the hobbit to Rivendell. In the movies, he’s replaced by Arwen. I’m mostly including him because in this conversation, Mrs. Skep name-dropped him out of nowhere like I was supposed to know who he was (I actually did somehow? But that's not the point). In looking up more about this guy, I learned that he fought a Balrog? Wild they’d cut him from the films.
Well, I’m sure Arwen’s done cool stuff too. Cooking’s just not one of them.
Theoden
King Theoden is somewhat similar to Gandalf in this regard, in which he has an interest in taking up cooking, but he never seems to be able to get around to it. The difference is, had Theoden survived the War of the Ring and been able to settle into a life of peace, he would have given it a proper go.
Eomer
Eomer would eat baked beans every day without a second thought.
Saruman
Mrs. Skep is adamant that Saruman would exercise his creativity via some form of mixology or brewing. She may be right, but I have a difficult time picturing him rigorously developing the next Mai Tai. Maybe this is a result of Christopher Lee’s performance, but to me, Saruman is more the mute, eerily-competent bartender. He doesn’t craft house cocktails, but if you name any drink under the sun, he can make it. Then, if you try to trip him up by saying some words that aren’t a drink, he’ll make it anyway, and it will be good, and you’ll question whether the name you made up on the spot wasn’t a real cocktail all along.
Galadriel
Galadriel charges herself with cooking the Christmas goose every year. Not because she needs to, but because nobody else does it the way she likes.
Faramir
Faramir cooks! And he’s quite decent at it—he knows a number of game-based stews and roasts that make simple but hearty meals. None of these entrees are particularly flashy, though, so his own accomplishments are overshadowed by that one dish of Boromir’s that everyone knows him for.
Rosie
We can probably agree that Rosie cooks, right? In fact, one of her and Sam’s favorite activities is to cook a meal together. It’s almost sickeningly cute.
Gollum
Gollum doesn’t know what a potato is.
Smeagol
Smeagol would show up to the potluck with a bowl of brussels sprouts that are overly-mushy and smell vaguely of urine. Nobody eats the sprouts, but this doesn’t seem to bother him at all.
They’ll pay for it later, though.