The Krunch MacKenzie Election Day Special
[The Star-Spangled Banner plays in the background. Krunch MacKenzie walks into frame.]
Hi, I'm Krunch MacKenzie, and I'm running for US Senate on behalf of the great state of... [he checks his notes] Missouri.
Why vote for Krunch, you may ask? Well, it's simple. I've spent years working as a defense attorney, representing murderers, thieves, and other offenders... and now, I'm ready to add the American people to that list.
[An image flashes on screen of Krunch MacKenzie in a courtroom shaking hands and laughing with somebody strongly resembling Ted Bundy.]
And that's not to mention my vast experience as a medical surgeon. My average day involves cutting something open, ripping out vital parts, occasionally replacing them with inhuman alternatives, and sewing it all back together—a process that has been the norm in US policymaking for years.
[Another image, this time of Krunch in bloody surgical scrubs, holding a spleen in the air and giving it a puzzled look.]
But please, don't be intimidated by my employment history. Yes, I may hold two advanced-level degrees in completely unrelated fields, but I bought those degrees fairly with the money from my trust fund, just like any other self-made American would have done. So I don't want you to think of me as "Doctor Krunch MacKenzie, Esquire". I don't want you see me as the fabulously wealthy, captivatingly handsome, exuberantly charismatic, astoundingly intelligent, dare-I-say "perfect" man that others have described me as in the past. That's not who I am in political advertisements like this. No, here, I want you to see me as one of you.
Yes, yes, I know there are those who think I'm "out of touch" with the average voter. But this could not be further from the truth. Why, I've suffered like any American. I, too, have sat in the Starbucks drive-thru for the same 10 or 15 minutes you have. Which is why I instead go into the lobby, get instantly recognized, and am given my coffee for free. Just like any of you would do if you could!
[An image displays featuring Krunch holding a coffee, shaking hands and laughing with an impossibly cheerful team of baristas.]
Plus, I agree with the American people on all the most pressing issues. The economy? It should be good! Crime? It should go down! Immigrants taking our jobs? As an American actively campaigning for his third simultaneous position, this is very concerning to me!
...Abortion? I, uh... I seem to have misplaced my notes on abortion, hang on... well, I'll come back to that another day.
[By now the Star-Spangled Banner has run its course. The Spotify algorithm has decided to queue up Christina Aguilera to replace it.]
Look, what I'm trying to say is, there's a great political divide in our country right now, and I think it's going to take a doctor to heal it. I mean a real doctor. Not like that snake-oil-peddling Dr. Oz, he's not a real doctor. Remember when he ran for Senate in, like, Maryland or whatever a couple years ago? And he lost because the voters called him out on his constant BS? Good riddance, I say.
[An image displays featuring Dr. Oz shaking hands and laughing with somebody strongly resembling Ted Bundy.]
...Or, wait, was it Dr. Phil? Maybe it was Dr. Phil who wasn't a real doctor. It was definitely one of them. Anyway, my point is, don't trust TV doctors. Instead, trust me, a doctor who happens to be on your TV.
What I'm trying to say is, this election season, you want to put your faith into somebody smarter and better-looking than you. So get out there and vote for Krunch MacKenzie. Do I need your help? Of course I don't. But I am a firm believer in giving the American people a choice or whatever. So vote for me come November.
[voiceover] Krunch MacKenzie. You could do a lot worse. In fact, you already have.