April 2026 Horoscopes
Aries
You may find yourself in a compromising social situation at work or at home that could leave you feeling the fool. Remember that it’s important to keep a level head in the face of injuries to your ego. That is to say, don’t get mad… get even.
Your discontinued McDonald’s product: Chicken Selects Strips
Taurus
The devil is in the details, as they say. This could be a good opportunity to take some time and review some of the small details in your life. Maybe balance your checkbook, make sure you have spare light bulbs, inspect the brake lines on your car, or review the beneficiaries on your life insurance policy. A little diligence now will save you some hassle or embarrassment down the road.
Your discontinued McDonald’s product: Super Size Fries
Gemini
Your tendency to turn a skeptical eye towards the things we take for granted serves you well in all aspects of life. In fact, we can probably drop the pretense now and admit that neither of us believes in horoscopes all that much, right? Let’s go grab a beer instead.
Your discontinued McDonald’s product: Hula Burger
Cancer
You put yourself out there and showed people something you made. Good for you! But once you get started, it’s common to feel that if you don’t continue producing content regularly, others will be disappointed and think you are lazy and worthless. At times like these, it’s important to remember that this type of thinking is absolutely true. Get back to writing, you shithead.
Your discontinued McDonald’s product: Mac Jr.
Leo
The orbit of Jupiter through Leo this month suggests that you should donate $1,000 to the beleaguered soul writing horoscopes as an April Fools’ Day gag. Yeah, I know how implausible that sounds, but I swear that’s what it means. If I’d suggested it, I would have asked for $2,000 instead.
Your discontinued McDonald’s product: Fruit & Yogurt Parfait
Virgo
The stars wonder why you haven’t considered taking up fly fishing as a hobby yet. They’ve been sending some pretty clear signs that doing so would solve a lot of your problems.
Your discontinued McDonald’s product: The McJordan Special
Libra
You’ve always suspected that true happiness could only be obtained by selling all your worldly possessions, stripping off all of your clothes, and returning to the wilds like the animals we are. Well, the stars confirm that the time has come for you to give it all up and return to the life that nature intended. I promise I am writing this because it is 100% true and not because I think it would be funny to see what happens when one-twelfth of the population does this at the exact same time.
Your discontinued McDonald’s product: McPizza
Scorpio
Scorpio’s presence in the northern sky indicates that today is the day to finally switch to Tide™ fabric care products. Did you know that Tide™ laundry detergent removes tough stains while remaining gentle on your clothes? Plus, it smells great, too! This horoscope was brought to you by Tide™, from Procter & Gamble.
Your discontinued McDonald’s product: Mighty Kids Meal
Sagittarius
So this is the weirdest thing, but… when I went to look at the stars last night, Sagittarius wasn’t there. Not that it was missing, per se; it was as if the sky had folded in so that Capricorn and Scorpio were right next to one another, like Sagittarius never existed at all. Has Sagittarius been a dream this whole time? Or is there some more ominous force at work here? Well, I’m sure there’s nothing for you to worry about.
Your discontinued McDonald’s product: Big N’ Tasty
Capricorn
It’s always difficult to guess if those you live with will support a major change to your lifestyle. Still, they might be surprisingly receptive to the slimy, wriggly thing you brought home! Or they might not. Again, it’s really hard to tell.
Your discontinued McDonald’s product: McSalad Shaker
Aquarius
This week, you should take some time to reflect on the abuse of governmental power rampant in society today, and consider what it means to you. Are you doing anything about it? Why not? You really think the Cancers are going to step up to stop it? Get real.
Your discontinued McDonald’s product: Angus Third Pounder
Pisces
An upcoming challenge or project will have major ramifications, setting your life on one of two vastly different trajectories depending on your success or failure. The stars that guide you in all things wish it to be known: they can’t interfere in this one. You’re entirely on your own. Best of luck!
Your discontinued McDonald’s product: Arch Deluxe