Chapter 91: Head-ing on Home
Zhuge Liang now has to take his army out of the jungle and back home, but he can't because there's the ghosts of all the soldiers on both sides who died in the campaign blocking the way or something. I don't get it either. You could only get away with writing this right at this part of the book; if the author had tried to pull this after, say, Cao Cao's battle against Yuan Shao, it would be such a weird interlude, nobody would buy it. But since we're in the jungle now we don't second-guess it.
Somebody explains to Zhuge Liang that the ghosts demand human heads as sacrifices. For some reason. But executing his soldiers for their heads at this point would be unreasonable because the war is over. As a workaround, he invents steamed meat buns because they look kinda like heads; so in addition to being written as a galaxy brain strategist, he's now getting credit for developing a staple of Chinese cuisine. It's a wonder they didn't re-write history to make Zhuge Liang emperor.
Having developed a culinary sensation on the spot, he tosses the kinda-head-shaped buns at the ghosts, and gives a speech that goes like this:
"Oh, brave warriors that marched out against the savage uprising! How bold you were, how untimely your loss to these 'wretched vermin' (direct quote on that one). This sacrifice is in your honor; be assured that we hold your sacrifice in the highest esteem, and the emperor will know of your exploits and provide for your families, probably, assuming I remember to tell him."
"...And to all the Man that were killed, I acknowledge you too, but our empire owns your spirits now."
Somehow they fall for that, and everyone can go home.
It's been quite a few chapters, so we'd better check in with the other kingdoms... oh, shit, Cao Pi is dead. Really, we only got seven years of rule out of Cao Cao's heir? Sheesh, I could have just skipped him and given you one less name to remember.
Cao Pi's heir is his son Cao Rui. This kid is martially trained, but he's also kind of a softie because on a hunting trip when he was younger, he couldn't bring himself to shoot a fawn after Cao Pi shot its mother. I don't remember if this anecdote will be significant or not. But probably not.
Anyway, Cao Rui is still a couple years too young to officially rule yet since Cao Pi popped off too quickly, so he's got some regents looking out for him. One of these regents is Sima Yi, who I mentioned earlier was pretty important but so far hasn't had an opportunity to do much yet. So let's fix that.
It's decided that the northwest part of Wei doesn't have enough military strength to withstand something like—as a totally random example—a Shu incursion, so somebody needs to go out there and help build up some armies. Sima Yi uses his influence to be assigned to that job.
That's a little unfortunate for Zhuge Liang, because he's thinking that now's a great time to initiate a Shu incursion since Cao Pi just died and the Wei government needs to reorganize to fill in the gaps in management. But since Zhuge Liang has the ability to peek ahead in the book, he knows that Sima Yi is the only person in Wei with any brains at all, and he just got put in a position to perfectly counter Shu.
Ma Su offers an idea: let's spread some information around that Sima Yi is planning to revolt against Wei. Unfortunately for Sima Yi, he literally just volunteered for a job assembling big armies in the middle of nowhere, so the idea of Sima Yi suddenly shouting "Viva la revolución!" doesn't seem entirely baseless. He vehemently denies the allegation, of course; but Cao Rui shrugs and says, maybe and maybe not, but I won't lose sleep over it either way if I just fire you now. Which, a) is probably the most rational decision anybody has made in this entire book, and b) kinda makes it seem like this kid has his shit figured out, remind me why he needs multiple regents?
So uhh Sima Yi gets canned. Weird, I thought the book was positioning to be a big rival to Zhuge Liang or something, but it looks like we're done with him already.
Well, I guess roll out the Shu wagons everybody, we're going invading today!
As Zhuge Liang is packing his bags, Zhao Yun says to him, hey, it occurs to me that I've been around so long that I'm probably the oldest character in the book now. But I can still fight! Put me in the vanguard even!
Zhuge Liang replies, Jesus Christ no! Are you kidding me? We lost Ma Chao off-screen somewhere in the past couple chapters, you're basically like the only good general left! I can't risk letting you fight on the front lines!
Anyway I forget how it happens but Zhao Yun ends up fighting on the front lines, because of course he does. But it's okay, because it's not like he's going to be up against any serious competition; when word of the invasion reaches Cao Rui, he sends the son of Xiahou Yuan to oppose Shu. This nobody is going to present such little challenge for Zhuge Liang the next couple chapters that I'm not even going to bother naming him. Let the steamroll commence!