The Parson's Tale
It's four o'clock in the afternoon, and the day's journey has just about come to an end. The Host says that his plan to pass the time has gone wonderfully thus far, and there is only one more tale to be told. He implores the Parson to tell his tale "by cock's bones!", which, c'mon, we need to bring that exclamation back into play.
The Parson replies by quoting Paul's letter to Timothy, which criticizes people who tell fables and stories that are not wholly factual. Somehow, nobody bats an eye at this. The Parson continues by saying that he would rather offer something nutritious to listen to; unfortunately, that means he won't be rhyming either.
The Host agrees that a Parson's meditations will make a fitting end for the day, and tells him to be quick about it, before the sun sets.
What ensues is anything but quick; it is essentially a sermon in text form, and is both incredibly dry and the longest tale in the book. In fact, calling it a "tale" is generous, as there is no narrative to speak of; instead, the Parson expounds on the nature of sin and repentance, going into incredible detail to define each.
This is not something I am able to recap in any interesting way, nor is it content I can resist skimming over under normal circumstances. However, I don't want to leave The Canterbury Tales on such a weak note. So instead, what follows is a list, containing my biggest takeaway from each and every paragraph. I think you'll agree this was the best possible method.
Without further ado, here is what you should learn from the Parson's tale:
- You can technically use the word "Penitence" seven times in one sentence.
- Penitence does not mean what I assumed it meant from watching Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade as a kid.
- There are felony sins and misdemeanor sins.
- Going on a pilgrimage naked is apparently something a priest can make you do.
- Jesus gets angry if we sin too? I thought Jesus was the chill one.
- Jesus can't keep track whether or not we're speaking in metaphor anymore either.
- Saint Bernard was an actual dude and not just a dog. It's not that I didn't know this, I just never really thought about it.
- If you're trying to repent your sins, and remembering a sin causes you to chuckle, you are probably not remorseful enough.
- Of course you shouldn't sin, but you shouldn't really like the general concept of sin, either.
- Meals in hell are not vegan-friendly.
- The Parson has some feelings on whether you can separate the art from the artist. You cannot.
- God has domain over you, but if you sin, you have domain over God. So, uh, please don't do that.
- Even if you do all the repenting, you're still at the mercy of God's whims as to whether or not he lets you into heaven that day.
- There are first-degree and third-degree sins.
- Devils steal all of God's presents and hide them in hell jail.
- When you are in confessional, be sure to enunciate.
- Adam and Eve invented tailoring.
- "Concupiscence" is the polite word for horniness.
- Moses is a gay icon.
- If you rack up a lot of misdemeanor sins, they can be upgraded to a felony sin.
- It's a sin to not stop by the prison and say hi to the inmates from time to time.
- You're never going to be able to avoid sin entirely, but that's okay because we have this handy absolution chart.
- We all know of the Seven Deadly Sins, but of them all, Pride is the king. Which is actually fitting.
- Feeling elated is a sin. Yep, it's listed right there under the Pride category. How dare you be in good spirits.
- If you're walking down a sidewalk, and approach somebody coming in the opposite direction, and you wait to see if they say hi before you say hi, that's a sin.
- Jesus does not wear Armani.
- The church has OPINIONS on how much of your dick bulge should be visible through your stockings.
- If you're too virtuous a person, then you're not being virtuous in moderation, and that's a sin.
- True humility is understanding that God brought you into this world, and he can take you back out of it just as easily.
- Actually, Envy is a worse sin than Pride.
- I never want to hear the phrase "fleshly father" ever again.
- Anger is borne from Envy. And also from Pride. Does Anger deserve to be its own sin?
- Even though Anger is a sin, there is good Anger! It's when you're angry about something bad. Also you can't actually act angry.
- The devil's forge creates the three evils of Pride, Envy, and Anger. Yes I know there are still four more sins. Who knows where they come from though.
- Boy, they sure had some creative interpretations of the word "homicide" in the Middle Ages.
- You know how swearing refers both to cussing and taking a legal oath? Yeah, they're actually the same thing. Except one's a sin.
- Oh, also speaking incantations over a cauldron like some sort of warlock is considered swearing. You'd better believe that's a sin.
- According to our definition of Lying, it doesn't count if the person you're lying to isn't Christian.
- Flattery is SO BAD that it doesn't even fit under any of the other sins. Let's just lump it under Anger.
- Cursing: different from cussing, apparently.
- WHOA, what do you have against toads, buddy? Toads are just doing their toad thing; no need to compare them to sinners.
- Don't take advice from people trying to steer you in the wrong direction. You'll be able to tell because they'll make it obvious that's what they're doing.
- At the end of the day, God just wants everybody to be friends. Plus all the other rules.
- Okay so basically if a minor sin could fit under either Envy or Pride and we don't feel like picking one over the other, we just dump it under Anger instead.
- Making small talk around the water cooler is a sin. Yep, that goes under Anger.
- Never play devil's advocate. It's right there in the name. Of course that means it's a sin to try to see things from a different perspective.
- Jesting is a sin?! Oh, NOW you tell me.
- If you know what's good for you, you're just going to sit there and take all the shit other people throw at you. And you're going to do it with a goddamn smile.
- Patience is how men become like God. Except for that one time that God lost Patience with us and nearly destroyed the world with a flood. Hang on, does that mean God sinned? CAN God sin? Are actions taken by God just not sins by default? Are we allowed to nearly destroy the world with a flood because he did it first?
- One of the grievances that can test a man's Patience is when damage comes to the things he owns. Follow the example of Jesus, who bore this grievance when all of his material possessions were taken away from him at the end of his life. But also remember that Jesus didn't own material possessions.
- Sloth is basically just Anger at having to do things.
- Sloth can be avoided by doing labor. Labor is good for you. Coincidentally, we need most of you to spend your lives laboring in the fields for us.
- Okay, I know what I said about Pride and Envy being the worst sins, but actually it's Despair. No, I know it's not one of the seven worst ones; that's how bad it is.
- Spending eternity doing labor and being whipped isn't even hell. That's just purgatory. Hell is worse, somehow.
- No matter how sinful a person you are, don't Despair! You can still find penitence through God, anybody can! Unless you wait too long and don't have time before you die. Then fuck you, that's a sin.
- Depression is a sin. As if you don't have enough problems.
- The solution to Sloth is this exciting virtue that's so new it hasn't been translated from Latin yet. It's called Fortitudo. Get hyped for when we release that in English.
- Don't try to punch the devil.
- Wait, Saint Paul thinks Avarice is the root of all evils? UGH make up your minds people
- Unsurprisingly, consumerism is off the table. Which, fair.
- Actually, it turns out the Parson is 100% a Marxist and just doesn't know it because Karl Marx hasn't been invented yet.
- "Lords are not entitled to the profits of those who serve him." See? So close! Just a few more steps in that line of thinking and we'd have had our communist revolution a few hundred years earlier.
- "Of such seed as churls spring from, lords spring also" Well, no, that's obviously false since nobility is inherited. So the seed is diff—you know what, nevermind.
- The devil's wolves feed on the sheep of Jesus. So Jesus is incapable of taking care of his sheep?
- Three things Jesus gave us through his sacrifice:
- Freedom from hell
- Entry into heaven
- The ability to do a good job.
- Hey you, Mr. Moneybags, "donating" your money to "charitable foundations" so you can report less income on your taxes. The IRS might turn a blind eye to that kind of thing, but God sure doesn't.
- The sentencing for the sin of getting drunk is reduced if it was an accident.
- Combining lunch and dinner into a single meal is a sin.
- Dieting is still Gluttony if you're only doing it to lose weight.
- Eating a slice of cake is a sin, but eating a slice of decorated cake is a double sin.
- Funny how Lechery is the only sin we're expected to punish each other for. And by that, I mean punish women for.
- The Parson insists it's worse when women lust over a man than vice versa. I have to assume it's just because men aren't worth lusting over.
- Pimping existed in Chaucer's time! It wasn't easy then, either.
- The Parson says the only purpose of marriage is to produce more servants for the church. We're giving up on pretenses then, I see.
- A woman can't have multiple husbands, because she wouldn't be able to please all of them at once! Also because she would grow extra heads.
- "God did not make woman from the head of Adam, lest she would claim too much lordship." Are you sure, because it would explain why men are dumb as rocks.
- Actual bonus quote: "For when woman is in charge, she just makes things confusing. I don't need to provide examples of this."
- Even the church admits that there's no real way to procreate without it being at least a misdemeanor sin. Feels like God didn't exactly iron out all the details.
- A widow is defined as a woman who has given up her husband. I'm picturing a woman saying "I think I'd like to be a widow now" and putting her husband on the curb for the trash collector.
- "No man should trust in his own perfection, unless he is stronger than Samson, and holier than Daniel, and wiser than Solomon." Hot damn, looks like I have permission!
- The Parson is apparently not holy enough to list out the Ten Commandments. I guess go read the stones yourself.
- Remember, your lot in life affects your final sin sentencing. Negatively.
- I can only assume by the fact that the Parson has to warn against having sex in church that a lot of people were having sex in church.
- While you're doing confessional, you should probably cry a little bit. The priests go nuts for that kind of thing.
- We can't say there's anything wrong with not going to confessional and absolving your sins right away, but we don't recommend it, either.
- We also shouldn't have to tell you that you can't get mad at the priest for asking you not to sin.
- And for the love of all that is holy, don't cop to sins you didn't commit, why do we even have to spell this one out.
- You have two options for atonement: you can either do community service, or you can injure yourself!
- Don't let people see you give alms if you can help it. It should be akin to lighting a candle in darkness, which is the most visible thing you can possibly do.
- If you're on God's shit list, he doesn't want to hear your prayers.
- Everybody line up single file and pray to God one at a time, please.
- One of your methods for absolution is watching, because Jesus said "watch" one time. Somebody smarter than me can figure out what this means.
- Fasting doesn't count if it makes you hangry.
- Wearing an itchy sweater counts towards penance.
- Hitting yourself with a stick is a good, healthy way to improve your discipline.
- Remember, hitting yourself with a stick is temporary; hell is eternal.
- God hears your thoughts and knows the shame you feel at your sins. You still have to go to confessional though.
- Jesus has mercy. To a point.
- Nah just kidding, Jesus is ready to forgive anybody. Except for those times I mentioned earlier when he isn't.
- Hm. Just realized heaven is a metaphor.
Here the Maker of this Book takes his Leave
Chaucer pops in at the end of the book here, hoping that enjoyed this collection of tales and taking all the credit if so. He adds that, if you took offense to them, not to blame him for having bad intentions, but simply for being such a poor author that he could not write them in a way that was agreeable to you.
As he closes out, he says he hopes God will see fit to bless him for all the translations of saintly stories, hymns, and prayers that he put into writing; and in so doing, may God also decide, when judgement day arrives, that it sufficiently balances out all the Miller's Tales that Chaucer has likewise transcribed.
Here ends the Book of the Tales of Canterbury.