The Physician's Tale
Content warning: child death, violence against children, other disturbing imagery, seriously what the hell Chaucer. Click here to go back.
There's very little segue from the Host following the Nun's Priest's tale; I guess he wants to speed it along a bit since he just realized we're only halfway through this book. So he passes the mic over to the Physician, whose story goes like this:
There was once a knight named Virginius (giggle giggle). He had just one child, a daughter, who is not 18, not even anywhere close, but for the sake of preserving our sanity we're going to say she's 18. Just like all of the women in these stories, she is highly praised as a good and virtuous person, which basically means that she is modest and polite and doesn't party too hard. Naturally, she is also beautiful, to the point where even Nature herself is boasting to everybody about how fine she made this one.
The Physician takes an aside to talk about how to properly raise your kids, but we're going to skip that one because I think it's fair to say we're all past the point of wanting our daughters to grow into proper Christian women by Middle Ages standards.
One day, the daughter goes into town with her mother. While there, she gets spotted by the county judge, a man named Appius, who looks her over and says "damn, that sure is a great-looking and definitely adult woman. I need to have her for myself. But I've heard she's so virtuous that I won't be able to persuade her into anything, and I can't do anything by force because I need to clear the absolute lowest bar available to make myself not seem like a total villain. So I guess my only option is to resort to abusing my power." He goes off and meets with some ne'er-do-well named Claudius, who he pays off to help him with his scheme.
The next day, Appius is holding court, and Claudius happens to be on his docket. Claudius says, "I'd like to file a complaint against Virginius, and I have proof of what he did." Appius says, "Well, I'm not going to hear this case unless Virginius is here to defend himself. What's that, he's right outside? Oh, that's convenient, bring him in."
Virginius is led in and Claudius makes his case. "So, that daughter Virginius had? Yeah, she's not his real kid. In fact, she used to be my servant, and he stole her from me a long time ago. I have proof. I rightfully own her, and I want her back."
"Fair enough," says Appius, banging his gavel. "Give him back the girl."
"Wait, why the hell did you bring me in here if you weren't going to let me make my case?" asks Virginius. Appius shrugs. "Guess you should have thought of that before you stole this guy's servant. Court dismissed, bring in the dancing lobsters."
Virginius understands perfectly what is happening, but he is powerless to stop it. Stricken with grief, the knight goes home. "Listen, daughter, Virginia, I need to talk to you—"
"Hold on," says Skep. "You named your daughter Virginia, after yourself? That's really weird. I mean, I know there were only like four names you could give to females back then, but it's still really weird. Sorry, please continue."
"ANYWAY," says Virginius, "there's only two ways out of this for you: either I give you up, and you suffer the shame of Appius' misdeed, or I mercifully end your life now. And honestly, you're too virtuous a person to do anything but die nobly."
"That's true," says his daughter, "but can you give me a moment to come to peace with all this?" She swoons, and then says, "Okay, I'm all set. At least I'll die having never laid with a man."
Virginius then cuts her head off. What's more, he takes her head, marches back down to the courthouse, pushes the dancing lobsters aside, and throws her head at Appius. The line "this is your doing, you son of a bitch," was unstated but heavily implied.
The judge shrugs and says, well, so much for that. Obviously this was a terrible thing that Virginius has done, so y'all need to get him now.
To which the people at the courthouse say, "Actually, we thought your ruling was a little sus to begin with, and we're not touching the honorable Virginius. So I guess that means we're getting you instead."
"Eep," says Appius.
So the angry mob throws Appius in prison, where he eventually kills himself. They also hang Claudius for good measure.
"Virginius," they then say, "we know you are a good person who was forced into a tough situation, so we're going to let you off easy. How does some light exile sound?"
Here ends the Physician's Tale.
"Good lord," says the Host, "that poor girl. Truly, when a woman is that lovely, it is the men who suffer the most."
I'm serious, he actually says that.