The Monk's Tale
Content warning: one of the following mini-stories (Ugelino, Count of Pisa) contains child death, so I have to call it out. Click here to skip ahead.
After Chaucer (presumably) takes six hours to tell his story, the Host says, "wow, I wish my wife was as diligent as Prudence. Whereas Prudence saved Melibeus from ruin by dissuading him from seeking vengeance on his enemies, my wife would be putting the knife in my hand and kicking me out the door."
Then he starts paying the Monk a TON of compliments, which he has done for no other characters so far, but he keeps going on and on about how strong and good-looking the Monk is, emphasizing that it's a huge shame that the Monk is beholden to his vows and can't be running around having sex with all the women, because he's so handsome, he really deserves to be able to do that. I can't adequately put into words how long the Host goes on insisting that the Monk needs to be plowing ladies and getting them pregnant. It is absolutely bizarre.
So it's time for the Monk to tell a story. The Monk says, okay, hey, y'all know what tragedies are? And I'm not even kidding about this because he goes on to explain how a tragic story works like Greek theater was never a thing. Then he says "so yeah, it's basically a reminder to follow God's word and remember how good you have it. Anyway I know one hundred of these tragedies and now you have to hear about each of them." He may be a hottie, but this guy sure knows how to kill a mood. And now instead of summarizing one story I get to summarize a whole bunch, which is what I was ALREADY DOING, CANTERBURY TALES.
Lucifer
The angel who fell from grace and ended up ruling hell. You can't really top a tragedy like that, which is why it's the first, because we haven't figured out pacing yet. Also fun fact, I looked into the origins of Lucifer, and it turns out that he was born out of a mistranslation in the Bible, and everybody thought a fallen angel made for a real badass story, and the church kind of rolled with it. This means that Lucifer could be the first-ever fan character that was written into canon.
Adam
You know, of Adam and Even? Everybody knows this one. I have MANY choice words to say about this story, but I think I'd better save them if I ever decide to snark on the Bible.
Samson
Very strong, fell victim to a woman. Kind of went out like a badass though, collapsing a temple on all his enemies.
Hercules
Very strong, fell victim to a woman. Sensing a theme here.
Nebuchadnezzar
Pretty much just goes like this:
Nebuchadnezzar: "Man, I conquered Jerusalem twice, I'm the best. Y'all better worship this giant gold statue of me or I'ma throw you in a furnace."
Daniel: "No."
Nebuchadnezzar: *goes insane*
Belshazzar
This guy was the son of Nebuchadnezzar, and thought he was pretty cool himself. So cool that he took some vessels out of the Temple of Jerusalem and served wine in them at a party, like you would do if you won the Stanley Cup. During the party, a ghostly hand writes some indecipherable words on the wall that nobody is able to translate. Eventually, Belshazzar brings in Daniel to translate them, because he seems to be good at all this God shit. Daniel says, "huh, the words say that you and all your guests drank from the vessels you took from the temple. Apparently that's punishable by death." And it was.
Zenobia
She was an awesome Palmyran queen who hunted lions and bears and tore them apart with her bare goddamn hands. She didn't really want to get married or lay with a man, but she eventually found one she tolerated enough to wed, and even had two sons, although she made very clear that any hanky-panky would be done on her terms.
Skep: "So is this an example of a man bringing ruin to a woman? Or did she bring it upon herself?"
Monk: "Neither. They have a long career of conquering half the world together, and then he passes away, and then the Romans decide they don't like her anymore so they beat her in war and then bring her back home for people to throw tomatoes at."
Skep: "Wow is that ending unsatisfying."
Everybody: "..."
Miller: "That's what SHE said!"
Everybody: "Shut up, Miller."
Pedro, King of Spain
Monk: "Dude fled Spain to get away from his brother, then got killed by him anyway."
Skep: "I've played enough Crusader Kings to know that sounds pretty par for the course."
Peter, King of Cyprus
Monk: "Yeah, he was a good warrior and general, so they had to kill him in his sleep."
Skep: "Geeze are we just going down the list of kings who didn't die from old age now?"
Bernabo of Lombardy
Monk: "Viscount died miserably in his nephew's prison."
Skep: "...So I'm taking that as a ‘yes' then."
Ugelino, Count of Pisa
This guy was imprisoned in a tower with his sons and was barely given anything to eat. One day, the jailor decides not to feed them. Ugelino's son is so hungry that he wishes he were dead, and he does starve to death the next day. Ugelino bites his own arms in distress, which causes his remaining sons to misinterpret his actions and say "wait father, you should eat us instead! You gave us life, it's only right that we give it back to you." They starved the next day, and Ugelino did shortly after.
Skep: "JESUS CHRIST that one was dark. What did this guy even do?!"
Monk: "Eh? Oh, somebody told a lie about him that people didn't like."
Nero
Famous evil emperor, fiddled while Rome burned, that sort of thing? Well, he didn't actually do that. But he was still a bad dude, and eventually the people got sick of it, chased him out of his palace, and he committed suicide before they could get to him.
Holofernes
Real good conqueror who made the classic mistake of saying "hey, remember Nebuchadnezzar from a bunch of verses ago? Yeah that guy was the shit, I can't recall why we all stopped worshipping him." Since we're circling back to previous themes, this guy also falls victim to a woman.
King Antiochus
A Jewish army routed his favorite captains in a battle, so Antiochus decides that he needs to destroy Jerusalem, a move that makes Menelaus from the Iliad seem to have somewhat reasonable motives. Anyway God gets pissed, and you know you done goofed if God has to come down and wreck your shit. Although God's moves in this case are "give him internal bleeding" and "make him fall off his chariot", so it's not like he was bringing his A-game. Maybe that's even worse, when God can't even be bothered to give you a proper smiting and phones it in instead.
Alexander
Monk seems pretty sure that Alexander the Great was poisoned by his own people when he probably just caught fever.
Julius Caesar
Monk: "Yeah, it was a stone cold betrayal, but at least Caesar had the modesty to cover up his exposed dick with his robe before he died, just like God would want."
Croesus
This guy was captured by Cyrus and ordered to be burned at the stake, but a rainstorm put the fire out. He was set free, only to use the opportunity to attack Cyrus again, figuring he was now invincible. Then one night he has a dream.
Croesus: "Hey daughter, can you tell me what this dream means?"
Phania: "You're going to be hanged."
Croesus: "Oh. Well that blows." *gets hanged*
Here the Monk's Tale is interrupted by the Knight who can't sit through another 83 of these, thank christ.