The Seaman's Tale
With the Lawyer's tale told, the Host calls upon the Priest to tell a sermon. The Seaman, however, says "Look, that last story was kind of a bore, I want to go back to telling stories full of sex and pranks." The Host suggests maybe he should wait a bit because the mood whiplash is threatening to break somebody's neck, but the Seaman plows on ahead anyway:
There is a wealthy merchant in France, married to a beautiful woman who loves to throw great parties that Chaucer didn't say included heavy drug use, but it's the only way this plot makes sense. The merchant also has a long-time friend, a young monk named John; they've known each other for so long that they consider each other cousins.
The merchant is scheduled to go on a business trip, but he invites John the monk over to his place beforehand and they all do some blow, because monks are well-known for being down for anything at parties. The next day, the merchant locks himself up in his Scrooge McDuck money-counting room to prepare for the trip, giving strict orders that he isn't to be disturbed.
John is strolling through the garden when he bumps into the merchant's wife. Seeing that she's a little bit tired, he says "boy, your husband must have kept you up real late last night, eh, wink wink?", because monks are well-known for their playful and inappropriate innuendo. But the wife says, "ugh, the only thing that man is pinching around here is pennies. I got the pure-grade stuff for the party last night, but he's refusing to pay off my dealer, and now I need to come up with a hundred francs in a week if I don't want my kneecaps smashed in."
"Speaking of which," she continues, "can I bum a hundred francs off you? I only ask because monks are well-known for their excess wealth." John says, "of course, I can get you that money." The wife replies, "if you do, I'll have sex with you," and John's like "...but I already said I'd do it...?"
The merchant leaves his room at the end of the day, and John pulls him aside and says "hey, you know how monks are well-known for their shrewd business dealings? Well, there are these cows I can make a small profit on, but I need a hundred francs up front to buy them and store them overnight. Can you loan me that?" The merchant says, "of course, no problem whatsoever." John says, "Great. Also don't tell anybody you gave me this money," which the merchant apparently doesn't find suspicious, but they had done a couple more lines prior to this conversation so maybe he was just in a stupor.
The next day, the merchant rolls out on his trip, and John goes to away to get gussied up. He returns a few days later and he gives the hundred francs he took from the merchant to his wife, and they have sex, because monks are well-known for their fondness of carnal pleasures. With that done, he goes home for good.
A few days later the merchant pops in on John, to tell him about this great investment he's looking to make once he can scrape the cash together. John says, ah, I see why you're here, you're probably interested in that hundred francs I borrowed. Yeah, I dropped that off at your place already, sorry.
The merchant eventually finds his way home a good deal richer, and his wife is hopped up on some molly and being all sweet on him, but eventually he says, look, I'm actually kind of annoyed at you because you took the hundred francs from John and made me look bad, because he thought I dropped in on him to ask for the money back when I wasn't gonna. So like, if somebody who owes me money pays it back to you, could you tell me about it maybe?
His wife replies, wait, he owed you money? I thought he was giving it to me as a gift! I already used it to pay off my dealer. Well, your loss I guess. Speaking of which, can we talk about why the hell I'm keeping you as my sugar daddy if you're not going to to spot me some cash once in a while? I'm a good wife and I treat you damn fine, and you are such a cheapskate with me even though you're playing with numbers in a whole other league. Nickel-and-diming your wife isn't the turn-on you think it is.
The merchant agrees that she's right, and they both go off to... you know. Boink. God, how is the monk better at innuendo than I am.
Here ends the Seaman's tale.