The Miller's Tale
Everybody is appropriately impressed by the Knight's story, and the Host says, okay, Monk, how about you go next?
But the Miller, who's already drunk despite it being like nine in the morning, stands up and says, nah, I'VE got a story. The Host says, Miller, sit down, it ain't your turn; but the Miller can't be stopped. He says his tale is gonna be about a student who makes a cuckold of a carpenter by sleeping with his wife. The Reeve chimes in, saying, hey, c'mon, isn't right to be badmouthing wives and questioning their fidelity. Miller counters by saying, what do you know about it Reeve, you've never even BEEN married; anyway, most wives are good, but some ain't, but also that ain't our business whether they're good or not, and if my wife does go fooling around, then as long as it doesn't get back to me, then what do I care? Now shut up and let me tell this story.
Chaucer vehemently apologizes in advance for the Miller's tale, which goes like this:
A wealthy carpenter has taken in a poor student as a lodger. The student is smart and charming and studies astronomy, but he's also a student so he doesn't have much money. His name is Nicholas.
The carpenter has also recently taken a wife named Alison. She is very pretty, but she hasn't hit twenty yet; the carpenter, on the other hand, is getting on in years. The Miller says, this is why they say you should only marry your own age; y'all just in different places in your lives. In this case, the carpenter is very jealous and thinks his youthful, still-venturesome wife might be tempted to do a bit of sleeping around, so he keeps her on a very short leash.
John, the carpenter—he's not entirely wrong, either, is the thing; he goes on a business trip to a nearby town one day, and while he's gone, Nicholas slides into Alison's DMs. He's pretty straight-up about what he's looking for, which is a little hanky-panky, and she's totally down, but she says they're going to have to be super-extra careful because John will not be pleased if he finds out. So they promise to spend the next week thinking on how best to get away with it, even though, again, the carpenter is very much not at home today.
At this point, we meet a guy named Absalon who works as a parish clerk. He's pretty foppish, but the ladies dig him. Of course, he only has eyes for one lady: Alison. At night, he plays music outside Alison's window. John the carpenter asks her, are you hearing this shit? And she rolls her eyes and says, yuuup, I'm hearing it. Absalon's attempts to woo her become kind of a joke, which puts the carpenter at ease, although the REAL joke is that she's smitten with Nicholas.
John goes away on business once more, and Alison and Nicholas hash out their ideas. Nicholas has an elaborate plan which will surely give them time to be together without the carpenter knowing. Again—and I really have to reiterate this—he's not home today.
The next couple days, Nicholas doesn't come out of his room for anything; he doesn't even make a sound in there. The carpenter starts getting a little concerned about him, so he sends his apprentice—who didn't exist until this moment—to go do some snooping. The apprentice peeks through a hole in the door and sees Nicholas just lying there flat out, unmoving, staring unwaveringly at the ceiling. John says, see, this kind of shit is why people shouldn't learn astronomy. I knew one guy who was studying the stars, trying to predict the future as he strolled aimlessly through a field. Stepped into a mining pit and died. He didn't predict that.
But he likes Nicholas, so he goes and busts through his door. Nicholas appears to be alive but catatonic, so John goes through his house, saying prayers to ward off the evil spirits. This "works" insomuch as Nicholas "wakes up". He says he had a vision from God, and it's very urgent.
In private, he tells John that in a couple days, there will be a big flood. Noah's ark-level flooding we're talking. John can save himself, Alison, and Nicholas, but he has to follow very specific instructions, and he can't tell a soul about it. There won't be time to arrange for boats, so what he needs to do is hang three large wooden tubs off the roof by a rope; when the rain starts, they will each get in a tub, cut the rope, and ride out the flood. While this is happening, they have to be completely silent, praying for salvation the entire time. If these instructions aren't followed to the letter, they will all drown.
The dutiful John sets right to work, spending his next few days gathering the tubs, rigging them up to the rafters, stowing food in them, and building ladders to get up in them. The fateful night arrives soon after, and the three of them go up and climb into their personal arks. John starts to pray, but he's exhausted from all the hard work it took to get this set up, so he falls asleep very quickly. He starts snoring, which is the cue that Nicholas and Alison were waiting for; they sneak away and finally have their tumble in the sheets.
Meanwhile, Absalon is hanging around the local pub, and he hears that the carpenter hasn't been seen at all the past few days, which means he's probably away from the house. Absalon says, aha, this will be my night to woo Alison, and maybe come away with a kiss! So he waits until the dead of night, when everybody is asleep and it's pitch-black out, and he sneaks his way over to the carpenter's house.
Absalon stands outside the window and brings out some of his best pickup lines, but Alison is having none of it, and she tells him in no uncertain terms to go away. Absalon is absolutely gutted, but he says, all I'm asking for is a single kiss, and then I'll leave you alone for good. Alison nudges Nicholas and whispers, "Watch this!"
She goes over to the window and tells Absalon, fine, one kiss, but be quick about it so the neighbors don't see. Of course, it's dark as sin out, so nobody can actually see anything.
Which is why, when Alison sticks her ass out the window, Absalon presses his lips to it. Dead-center.
He suspects something is off when he notices something that feels an awful lot like a beard, and his suspicions are confirmed when Nicholas can't contain his laughter. After wiping his mouth off with dirt and sand, Absalon furiously stomps off to wake up the blacksmith next door, and asks to borrow a red-hot iron, which the blacksmith somehow has at the ready despite him having been asleep.
Poker in hand, he goes back to the carpenter's house, and knocks once more upon Alison's window. This time he says he brought his mother's gold ring, and would like to give it to Alison for just one more kiss.
Nicholas decides now that he wants to have a bit of fun, so he goes to the window, turns around, and bends over. When Absalon asks Alison to speak, so that he might know where to aim his kiss, Nicholas farts on his face.
Startled and frenzied, Absalon swings the hot poker and connects with Nicholas's backside. His flesh seared, Nicholas falls over, howling in pain, crying out "Water! Water! I need water!"
All the commotion rouses the carpenter, who hears shouts of "water!" and assumes the flood is happening. He cuts the rope holding his tub aloft; of course, there is no flood, and he plummets to the ground, where he takes a nasty spill and breaks an arm. This starts to wake all the other neighbors up, and they come by to investigate. They are all very amused by the antics of the carpenter, who is rambling about a flood and seems to have gone quite mad; not a single soul believes his ranting, especially after Alison and Nicholas say, yeah, this is just how he's been the past couple days.
"For every student would support the other;
They said: 'The man is mad, no doubt, dear brother;"
And everyone would laugh about this strife.
Thus bedded was this carpenter's young wife
In spite of all his guard and jealousy;
And Absalon hath kissed her under eye,
And Nicholas branded for his fun
Upon the rump. God save you, I am done!"
Here the Miller ends his tale.