Scientific Study: Chocolate Delivery
"I want chocolate," says my wife. She's referring to the stash of chocolate chips I keep around for a taste of something sweet after dinner. (Pro tip: baking chocolate is cheaper than candy chocolate.)
Except this time is different. "Do you want to feed it to me? Romantically?" she asks. She largely means it as a joke, but I'm forced to admit that I don't know the sexiest method to use to insert chocolate into another person's mouth. Thankfully, she doesn't either. We decide that the only way to move beyond this impasse is to try various methods to see what works best. I am documenting our findings for scientific posterity.
Method 1: The Frontal Approach
The most direct method is to take a handful of chocolate chips and "smoosh" them into your partner's mouth from the front. You may have already noted that "smoosh" is not a particularly sexy verb, and likewise, performing the action doesn't feel particularly sexy, either. From our standpoint, although it was an efficient method of delivery, it ranked very low.
Method 2: The Excavator Maneuver
The second idea involves taking a handful of chocolate and hold it over your partner's face while they lean their head backwards, and drop the chocolate into their mouth like one of those clamshell buckets on an excavation machine. Overall, this was still an efficient means of delivering a chocolate payload; and while we agreed that it still didn't feel particularly sexy to pull off, it was still a vast improvement over the Frontal Approach.
Method 3: The Puppy Chow Method
I proposed holding out chocolate in my cupped hand so that she could chow down on it like a dog. She refused. This method remains untested but given the outright denial does not seem like a promising avenue of research.
Method 4: The One-At-A-Time Technique
This method is similar to the Frontal Approach, although instead of piling in a handful of chocolate all at once, pieces of chocolate are delivered directly onto the tongue one or two at a time. The first time we performed this technique, we instantly concurred that this method was very sexy. I hypothesize that this is due to the controlled and deliberate nature of the motions involved. However, because the quantity of chocolate being delivered is very low, this method is also the least efficient and may not stand up to repetition. Still, we are very excited about the opportunities for further study that this method provides, and encourage you to perform your own research to expand human understanding in this field.