Everything You Can't See
I'm an "Everything bagel" kind of guy. Not that I'm particularly picky about bagels, but I pick the Everything with cream cheese for my breakfast of choice.
That said, I'm also a cheapskate, so I get the store-brand Everything bagels (listen Thomas, you've already cornered the English muffin market with the only English muffin worth eating, and I accept that you can charge anything for that. You could charge twenty bucks for a half-dozen English muffins and I would still buy them. But don't think that your bagels are worth five bucks a pack, despite how terrible Pepperidge Farm bagels are). There are some things you expect from store-brand bagels, and for the logest time I was convinced that one of those things was the worst slicing imaginable. I'm not kidding. I have torn bagels to shreds like I was the Hulk because this slicing was so poor. If you took the Earth and sliced off Antartica, you'd get an approximation of the proportions I was seeing in the average Everything bagel slice.
Then last week, the store happened to be out of Everythings. This has never happened before, but I grabbed some Plains and went about my day.
A week and a dozen bagels later, I have to tell you: each of those bagels was sliced perfectly straight down the middle.
I think I've stumbled upon something here. The only conclusion I can possibly draw is that it is somehow harder to cut an Everything bagel. As though it's easier to miss the bagel. Is there something special about a mixture of sesame and poppy seeds that turns a bagel invisible to the naked eye? Are the people on the Everything bagel production line sitting there, holding their slicing knives, constantly sweating bullets because they can't see these bagels well enough to know where to slice? Does the store-brand bagel plant have an entire team dedicated to processing the Workers' Comp cases from these poor people who are constantly slashing their hands open because they have no visual on the bagel, no radar, no infrared, nothing?
Somebody needs to tell the military about this! We're spending billions of taxpayer dollars developing advanced stealth technology, when it turns out we've been happily using the solution as seasoning for years! Or do they already know? Maybe their research dollars are trying to determine the best melted butter or egg wash glaze to dip their soldiers in before they go rolling around in a tasty blend of poppy, caraway, and garlic and ambushing whoever we've decided is the enemy today.
On the other hand, the largest downside to Everything bagels is that 50% of the seeds will disembark from the bagel before it makes it to your mouth. This means that even the simple act of walking ends up with your special forces troops leaving a telltale trail behind them, to say nothing of those cool moves where you pop up behind some guy and karate chop him in the neck. That must be why this technology hasn't been deployed yet, although you could circumvent this somewhat by distributing Everything bagels as part of your soldiers' standard rations.
"We can't figure out how they attacked, sir. All we know is that they ate some bagels afterwards."